5 posts tagged “chris”

Chris was over tonight and he just left.  He's moving to Seattle on Monday. WAM. BAM.  He's got about a month worth of interviews and checks to go through before he's officially hired.

This is part of the fallout from my relationship with Bengt.  Bengt, Zoe and I were moving to WA this July and my family had started making plans around it...including, Zoe's father, Chris, getting a job in Seattle so that he could continue to see and be close to Zoe. Unfortunately, the job is too good for him to pass up and he really needs to take it, even though Zoe and I are no longer moving up there in July.  I could tell he was really upset about the whole thing..he's worried about how Zoe will be effected with his sudden absense on top of Bengt's dissapearing act.

I was really positive and hopeful to him and told him not to worry about Zoe, that she'd be fine and that this is a really great opportunity for him.  I told him the best thing he could do for Zoe was to get his self together.

But i am worried about Zoe.................as fucked up as he can be....she still adores him and counts on him just being around.....fuck.

I feel like this is all my fault. it's not...it's bengt's fault.  My daughter not only loses bengt (who was practically like a stepfather to her) but now loses her father as well.

fucking men. fucked up in the head men.  fucking men that lie. fucking men that change thier minds like that. fucking men that have mental problems. fucking men that act like selfish little boys.  fucking men that think they can just go through life being cruel and mean to people without consequences.  fucking men that can turn off thier hearts like a switch.  fucking men that can talk themself into anything.  fucking men that can adopt a new life within a week.  fucking men that can invent whatever reality they want to believe they are living in.  fucking men that can turn off all feelings of remorse, guilt, or conscience. fucking men that act like psychopaths.  fucking men with borderline personality disorder. fucking men that run away from responsibility. fucking men that say you are thier best friend while they decide to date other women. fucking men that screw over my daughters life. fucking men.

I've listened to The VillageGreen album, Feeling the Fall,  5 times today so far. It's my new favorite.   Chris gave me two new bands to check out; Eagles of Death Metal and Towers of London.

A friend of mine told me to list Bengt in the WWW.DONTDATEHIM.COM directory of bad men...but i'm sure he'll stick with his ultra round bitchface nudist man stealer girlfriend for a while- he's not strong enough to be alone.  The website is pretty funny...i guess there are a few of them...it reminds of another joke that a friend and i were making about leaving notes on the stalls of the women's bathrooms at work that say "beware of bengt", or worse yet, share horribly personal details...unfortunately, the risk to my own livelyhood prevents me from doing this...at least the work bathroom part anyway...

Tonight we started on the model for Mission Santa Ines.  All 4th graders in California study Missions and this year, my 4th grader has a huge report and a model due the first week in February.  This is her first big research paper...and she's been looking forward to the model making for over a year- since she saw some of the ones that the older kids had created a few years back. 

She started my morning by bringing me breakfast in bed...she made me pancakes and coffee and brought them to me on a tray at 9am this morning.  What a sweety pie!  This is not the first time she's done this, but yet everytime it is a complete surprise and I am astonished at the consideration and thoughfulness of my girl. 

Tonight I've been listening to the new Jet, and yes, I do like the single, Shine On; it makes me cry actually...but maybe that is not saying much as it doesn't take much to make me cry these days.  Zoe seems to really like Jet..both albums.  I like the song, Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is, a bunch too.   I am also really enjoying Dirty Pretty Things and I just realized that they do that really popular song that got a lot of radio play called, Bang Bang You're Dead; i am a silly-head sometimes...and did not even realize this...I like the song, Deadwood, the best.  Damien Rice's, 9 Crimes, just came on unexpectantly, and now I am in tears again.

I almost texted Bengt today.  I have been thinking about him for much of the day;  I can't get him out of my head today...I miss him.  I miss him very much.   I kept thinking about life being all a matter of timing; and in my life, my timing seems to be quite off..but maybe that is just the romantic in me trying to explain away his decision to not be with me.  He just seemed so geniunely in love with me.  He seemed to like me.  He seemed to enjoy being with me.  He seemed to be madly and deeply in love with me......does it come down to bad/off timing or does it come down to just me?

now i am throughly depressed....and speaking of men breaking girls' hearts..zoe's dad, chris, flaked on her tonight.  he was supposed to be here at 5 to help build the mission.  we confirmed on the phone yesterday.  tonight he is no where to be found; his cell phone says it has been disconnected.  i'm sure he's sitting in some sleezy hotel room getting high with people that he barely knows.  i would be dissapointed in him if i were not used to this behavior from him after 8 years of dealing with his herion addiction.  I would be lying if i said it gets easier...you just get thicker shades of numb and dis-engage your heart in order to protect it.

I'm going to take Zoe down to Mission Santa Ines later this month if i can.  It's down by Santa Barbara, which is beautiful; maybe the weekend of her birthday at the end of the month.  I feel like i need another road trip. 

I just had this really wierd dream.......I kept slapping Kat after everytime she looked at me or spoke.  Or I would open fisted hard slap her, push her, kick her..everything but hit her with my fist. She wasn't with Bengt but with Chris (Zoe's Dad) and I went over to his house with Zoe to see him before her birthday party.  We visited for a short while and then Kat came out of the bedroom and started acting all smug and natural..not being nice but having this ha ha deal with it attitude.  She was wearing a really nice long coat with a fur collar (nothing like something that she would wear, and I remember thinking she had taken it from my closet...or it was something i left over there) I went up to her and slapped her really hard that her entire head rattled.  Her face was red from the mark my hand left.  I did this several times all the while trying to control myself as to not beat the crap out of her in front of Zoe.  The scene then changed to a mall or park and it was Zoe's Birthday party and there were tons of people there.  The same thing happened there repeatedly except for Chris kept telling me that she would keep acting that way untill I actually boxed her and hit her with my fist versus what i was doing.  He was encouraging me (lightly) to just get it over with and actually hit her versus trying to seemingly be more civilized with my slapping.

I know, I know....it's not that wierd right?  Or is it?  It seems like such a obvious dream at first, right?  It wigged me out.  I don't usually dream about hurting people.  actually, i never dream of causing pain to someone else.  that is not who i am...even in my subconscience...but yet, here it is...in my dreams today...this was a nap dream versus last night....but same time frame for prime time REM dream time...7am to 9am..i had gone back to sleep from my 5am session with the puppy this morning and must have dreamed it then.

The funny thing is- I really enjoyed myself in the dream.  It was nice to be able to say whatever I wanted to her, do whatever I wanted without any consequences or reprecussions.  The other strange thing was that Bengt had nothing to do with the dream..he didn't exist in that world.  the other wierd thing was that i wansn't even pissed at Chris.  I exspect things like that from Chris (although Chris would never go with someone as plain and normal as her)...it was just a strange dream.  I was awaken from it with a phone call and I feel like i didn't get to finish it.  I want to know what I decided to do?  Did i go for it? 

......you know i did.

thinking tonight. i have been listening to dead can dance for a couple of hours and it is comforting and soothing to me.   I've been talking to a new friend (a woman, for all you who might read something into my use of the word 'new friend') all weekend and the perspective i've gotten from these conversations is really good for me.   I am really thankful about how the stars can align in the universe and out of nowhere comes a friendly and caring ear.   Everytime i talk with her i feel calmer, stronger and somehow end up feeling like i truly will get through this.  thank you.

i've been realizing a lot of things.  things that have to do with me.  what my part in this is.  the choices i made. the direction things took.  why i was willing to believe things i probably shouldn't have.  what my role really was: rebound girl. you don't know how hard it is for me to say this- to think that is all i was to him. it really does make me lose my faith in people.

man, i want to get through all of this, past it, out of it and come out on the other side. i'm trying really hard to be all zen like tonight. i am trying hard to think about being peaceful and forgiving. i am not there yet. i want to be. but i am really not there. 

i apologized to him for being crazy and out of control this week.  yes, yes, i know..i shouldn't have to apologize; but this is who i am.  one person's behavior is not an excuse for my own bad behavior.  i treat other people how i would like to be treated and i haven't been very great this past week.  the world might excuse my behavior and everyone might understand it, but it still doesn't make it right.

Zoe was sad again tonight. they talked on the phone, she felt better. we need to figure out how to work through his involvement with zoe.  she needs him right now and the sudden departure from her life and her home is taking it's toll on her.  i am not stupid though. he has his own children and we were never married so what does he owe us, right?  i guess it's just a matter of getting zoe through this hard time.....

I am listening to Etta James right now..."a sunday kind of love".

is there anyone out there with honor, integrity and a well established sense of self? 

i'm thinking about way too much tonight.  my life. the past. the begining with bengt. the end with bengt. the middle with bengt.  my future. where i am to live.  should i still move to WA?  where will my heart be when this is finished?  where will it be when it's healed.  how to find some peace in this hellish nightmare.  how to move on from this?  how to explain his behavior and actions to my 10 year old daughter.  how will this effect her in her life?  how will important guy #2 walking out on her mom effect her?  how to accept things that feel so wrong.  how to accept that people can actually be not very good people on the inside.  this is too much to think about on a sunday night or maybe just what i need to do. 

the mundane:   i had people over for coffee this morning.  it was good.  Chris and Melanie took Zoe to see "happy feet" and then to dinner.  I went to see the movie Borat.   i took some pictures.  i did the dishes.  i thought a lot and cried less than the day before and less than the day before that. 

here are some pictures from today and yesterday.

Em2 nov19

Zoe and chris 11.2006

Em 3 nov19

Em slippers

Is it good that i can talk about the breakups before B?  does that mean that this was not the worst? isn't it usually like you never remember the one before, you only know the one you are currently going through?  i think it's more about the one before was Zoe's father and you never forget the break up with the father/mother of your children.  it kind of gets the hall of fame in your top 5 breakups.  Speaking of, let's do that.  here are mine.
 
Emily's Top 5 Breakups

1. Chris
2. Ed
3. Bengt
4. Tim
5. Aron

This was a little tougher than i thought and i'm not sure if it's accurate given that i'm in the first week of my breakup with B.  it's hard to tell how hard this is going to be.  this definitely has those extra circumstances that give extra weight in this category, like the working together thing. But my main judging criteria is my own personal mental health before during and afterwards.  this can include recover time, bounce back, and overall health.  I put Ed in front of Bengt because breaking up with Ed/ getting divorced, caused me to spiral to a really dark place for a couple of years.  2 years of out of control is pretty significant.  i can tell you that i know right now, i will not allow myself to get to that dark of a place...not now, not being a mom.  But then again....i haven't really eaten in a week and have been on sleeping pills and valium all week...that's not really in a happy good place either.  and this is only week 1.   I reserve the right to re-align if necessary a ways down the road.
 
Here is a little summary of each as i walk down memory lane and feel reflective today.
 
1. Chris

Hooked up with chris while spiraling out of control from my breakup with Ed.  We were out of control together.  I found myself pregnant a couple of years later and got my act together...he tried but was not successful.  i found out he was using herion and that was the begining of the end of that.  3 years and 11 rehabs later, we moved on from eacthother and as a result of this relationship i have the most beautiful inspiring daughter in the world, my zoe marie. this gets the number one slot because of the whole breakup of the family thing and its long lasting effect on my daughter.

2. Ed

This gets the number 2 slot because it really took me about 2 years of a deep depression to get through this.  this messed with my head the most.  maybe because this was the only Emily Inpired Breakup of my history. i left him. i wanted the divorce.  either way, i thought i was going to be married forever and having it end messed with me. big time.

3. Bengt

What i thought was the best relationship i'd ever had, ended suddenly and briskly as i was told all of his feelings for me were a lie.  i still can't even grasp it and i keep thinking that maybe after a while we could work things out.  i really throught we had something ya know?  like this doesn't happen everyday...it doesn't happen every time.  you stick. i am sad beyond belief and i love him despite the lies and betrayal.  stayed tuned for if this moves up or down in the rankings. 

4. Tim

First real boyfriend.  Wow. everything with him was super intense.  there were a lot of firsts with him.  he had to move away when we were in high school.  i thought i was going to die of sadness.  my first love.

5. Aron

My second love.  He was the coolest thing in town. punk rock don't stop.  like a real live version of Spike from Buffy but without the being evil and all.  can't remember why it didn't work out.  he was super hot.