16 posts tagged “bitter”

Chris was over tonight and he just left.  He's moving to Seattle on Monday. WAM. BAM.  He's got about a month worth of interviews and checks to go through before he's officially hired.

This is part of the fallout from my relationship with Bengt.  Bengt, Zoe and I were moving to WA this July and my family had started making plans around it...including, Zoe's father, Chris, getting a job in Seattle so that he could continue to see and be close to Zoe. Unfortunately, the job is too good for him to pass up and he really needs to take it, even though Zoe and I are no longer moving up there in July.  I could tell he was really upset about the whole thing..he's worried about how Zoe will be effected with his sudden absense on top of Bengt's dissapearing act.

I was really positive and hopeful to him and told him not to worry about Zoe, that she'd be fine and that this is a really great opportunity for him.  I told him the best thing he could do for Zoe was to get his self together.

But i am worried about Zoe.................as fucked up as he can be....she still adores him and counts on him just being around.....fuck.

I feel like this is all my fault. it's not...it's bengt's fault.  My daughter not only loses bengt (who was practically like a stepfather to her) but now loses her father as well.

fucking men. fucked up in the head men.  fucking men that lie. fucking men that change thier minds like that. fucking men that have mental problems. fucking men that act like selfish little boys.  fucking men that think they can just go through life being cruel and mean to people without consequences.  fucking men that can turn off thier hearts like a switch.  fucking men that can talk themself into anything.  fucking men that can adopt a new life within a week.  fucking men that can invent whatever reality they want to believe they are living in.  fucking men that can turn off all feelings of remorse, guilt, or conscience. fucking men that act like psychopaths.  fucking men with borderline personality disorder. fucking men that run away from responsibility. fucking men that say you are thier best friend while they decide to date other women. fucking men that screw over my daughters life. fucking men.

I've listened to The VillageGreen album, Feeling the Fall,  5 times today so far. It's my new favorite.   Chris gave me two new bands to check out; Eagles of Death Metal and Towers of London.

A friend of mine told me to list Bengt in the WWW.DONTDATEHIM.COM directory of bad men...but i'm sure he'll stick with his ultra round bitchface nudist man stealer girlfriend for a while- he's not strong enough to be alone.  The website is pretty funny...i guess there are a few of them...it reminds of another joke that a friend and i were making about leaving notes on the stalls of the women's bathrooms at work that say "beware of bengt", or worse yet, share horribly personal details...unfortunately, the risk to my own livelyhood prevents me from doing this...at least the work bathroom part anyway...

I spent some time yesterday morning checking out new music.  I find this to be one of the most relaxing and satisfying of hobbies...if i had a hobby, i guess i would have to say it is that....finding new music that i like.  
 
Great new finds, include:  The Village Green, The Black Angels, and The Blow; oh and We are Scientists. 
 
I still need to check out TV on the Radio, Secret Machines and Mojave 3...haven't listened to them yet to see if i like them.  Also, Meg made me a mixed tape of Coachella bands that i am excited to get to listen to.
 
Here's what I'm listening to:

CSS- Music is my Hot, Hot Sex
The Blow- Hey Boy
Margo and the Nuclear so and so's-Jes bringing the drugs
Loveless- Darling would you
The Coral Sea- Descend
Bears-How to Live
Clear Static-Make up Sex
The Village Green- When Creepers creep in
Say Hi to Your Mom- Sweet Sweet Heartkiller
  
We all went out to dinner last night to celebrate Zoe's birthday and it was a lot of fun.  That was Birthday event #3..and there is still one to go:
#1- Party at school last friday, brought in cookies
#2- Actual birthday with mom in Santa Barbara and then brownie cake, candles, b-day song with mom/dad that night
#3- Family birthday dinner with grandparents and mom/dad at Zoe's choice of restaurant
#4- Actual Birthday party this saturday night with all her friends
 
Damn.....that's a lot of stuff..but you only turn 10 once!
 
Work is exploding again and I'm super de duper busy and the pressure is on this week.   I have a huge project to present on Thursday to my entire team who are flying down from Redmond...mind you, i haven't even started this and i have to do a damn Time Tube in Visio...this can be a pain in the ass sometimes.    we do a lot of time tubes in my org... I also have my career discussion w/ boss tomorrow..you know the one where i'm supposed to figure out if i'm moving or staying or what?!!!  Will dream up the answer tonight i guess.
 
i'm really loving The Village Green; it was a great find.

The_village_green

 
 
And now the RANT SECTION OF THE BLOG
 
anyway..i actually hate when people talk about their hobbies.  As if they have to list all this crap to make themselves sound more interesting than they are.   They list and state thier hobbies like a resume..as if i am only to find another person interesting by these extra curricular obsessions.  I don't need to be around like minded hobby enthusiasts to like another person or be friends with them... I always end up feeling like a loser because i am not obsessed with one particular thing...why do i have to have a damn hobby?  can't i just be busy with being a single mom, working full time at a stressful job, keeping up with friends and traveling?  when do people have time to perform and keep up with all these hobbies?  because i seem to be really busy all the time....okay, okay, all this talk of hobbies is now pressuring me to come up with a half ass list of shit that i do or say that i do....what is the difference between a hobby and an interest anyway?  i have more interests than hobbies.
wanna be hobby list: shopping, sleeping in, learning to take pictures, hanging with friends at a bar or cafe, traveling when i can, listening and finding new music...i used to also write incessantly in my journal, play cards (uno,rummy,poker), make large collages, have much more sex and write more correspondence, but i seem to blog more often than any of that is happening lately....

hmmmm.note to self- less blogging might equal more sex.

From Billboard Magazine:

Akon and Lady Sovereign have been tapped as the opening acts for Gwen Stefani's Sweet Escape tour, which kicks off April 21 in Phoenix and wraps with a June 22-23 stand in Irvine, Calif. Tickets go on sale Feb. 10.

Stefani_gwen_08l

Okay- i really must go to this too; Lady Lovereign, one of my new favorite bands is opening.  Add it to the pile!  I need to make up for the serious lack of live music in my life over the past year. I guess it is fitting though...Live equals Real and Truthful and looking back- it doesn't seem like i had much of that at all last year. 

hmm. sarcastic thursday begins....

So my favorite part about the State of the Union address tonight was actually Sen.Jim Webb's Democratic response rather than listening to 1 hour of propaganda from Bushland.  Listening to the president just upsets me and I end up talking back to the tv and walking away blabbering under my breath speaking of rebuttles to whatever crap he just spewed forth; so the response by Senator Webb was at least hopeful- the last line of his speach basically called to the President to bring an end to the war or we're (the congress) going to help you do it.  Finally!  Some Action!  Thank goodness for last November and the Congress changing hands.

In more political news; tonight i told my daughter that for the first time in history, there is a chance that a woman might actually become president and that Senator Clinton from NY, a democrat, and a woman was going to try and run and win.  She said, "really?  wow! that's cool!  I think all women should vote for her.   she could make the history books." 

The cynical part of me believes that a non-white male will be elected before a woman...that our country still isn't ready for it..but the optimistic part of me, says: go Hillary, go!

I just had this really wierd dream.......I kept slapping Kat after everytime she looked at me or spoke.  Or I would open fisted hard slap her, push her, kick her..everything but hit her with my fist. She wasn't with Bengt but with Chris (Zoe's Dad) and I went over to his house with Zoe to see him before her birthday party.  We visited for a short while and then Kat came out of the bedroom and started acting all smug and natural..not being nice but having this ha ha deal with it attitude.  She was wearing a really nice long coat with a fur collar (nothing like something that she would wear, and I remember thinking she had taken it from my closet...or it was something i left over there) I went up to her and slapped her really hard that her entire head rattled.  Her face was red from the mark my hand left.  I did this several times all the while trying to control myself as to not beat the crap out of her in front of Zoe.  The scene then changed to a mall or park and it was Zoe's Birthday party and there were tons of people there.  The same thing happened there repeatedly except for Chris kept telling me that she would keep acting that way untill I actually boxed her and hit her with my fist versus what i was doing.  He was encouraging me (lightly) to just get it over with and actually hit her versus trying to seemingly be more civilized with my slapping.

I know, I know....it's not that wierd right?  Or is it?  It seems like such a obvious dream at first, right?  It wigged me out.  I don't usually dream about hurting people.  actually, i never dream of causing pain to someone else.  that is not who i am...even in my subconscience...but yet, here it is...in my dreams today...this was a nap dream versus last night....but same time frame for prime time REM dream time...7am to 9am..i had gone back to sleep from my 5am session with the puppy this morning and must have dreamed it then.

The funny thing is- I really enjoyed myself in the dream.  It was nice to be able to say whatever I wanted to her, do whatever I wanted without any consequences or reprecussions.  The other strange thing was that Bengt had nothing to do with the dream..he didn't exist in that world.  the other wierd thing was that i wansn't even pissed at Chris.  I exspect things like that from Chris (although Chris would never go with someone as plain and normal as her)...it was just a strange dream.  I was awaken from it with a phone call and I feel like i didn't get to finish it.  I want to know what I decided to do?  Did i go for it? 

......you know i did.

I've really enjoyed watching Season 1 of Six Feet Under this week.  I had a marathon tv watching session over the past 4 days and have finished the first season.  Yes, this is what happens when you have a puppy and have to stay close to home.  You write a lot, use the computer a lot, talk on the phone a lot, eat a lot (no thanks to watching a Top Chef Marathon on Bravo yesterday!), chat online a lot and last but not least- watch a lot of tv.  I like the uptight gay brother and the control freaky mom and the crazy brother of brenda, billy.  All the characters are wacky and dysfunctional but completely relatable and I love the series.  I am temped to go out tonight and get the 2nd season vs. switching to the first season of Sopranos. 

The dilemmas we face while on vacation can be complex and tough.  Like for instance- Today, I faced the dilemma of having to decide if I would look at a calendar to find out what day it was.  I had lost track after a week of vacation.  Isn't that the most fabulous thing that you've ever heard of?  I think it's fucking great.  I'm such a slave to the clock in my normal life that losing track is absolutely the most blissful state of being that i could be in.  Yes, Yes...vacation can be truly full of tough decisions.  Another perplexor that has happened has been whether or not to get dressed today.  After some careful consideration around 5 ish , I decided against it.  It was one of those...let's take a shower in the evening and put pajamas back on kind of days.  Wonderful.  Pure decadent indulgence.  the only thing that would be better is if i had some really nice Champagne and some brownies. 

Death.

So the show has me thinking about Death.  Am i ready for death?  am i scared of death?  I do not want to die anytime soon that is for sure.  I want to live to be an old woman and i have about a million things I still want to do in life.  I am scared about the people i love no longer being around. It's almost like i am more scared for my loved ones than i am for myself.  I worry about it too much. 

Dealing with B's esophagus pre cancerous condition stuff made me think about life and death.  It also made me think about B in a different way and what i had thought at the time was seizing the day and seizing the moment with my love for another person...it made me think that life was short and that making connections with people is rare and to hold onto those people in our lives that are precious.  I remember praying to God to let him be okay and to not have cancer; crying to my mother about him; asking the world to call in every Karma favor so that he just might live and not die.  I thought that B and I had this unique special kind of connection.  I have known a lot of people in my life, i have had great loves and good friends.  There was something very special about B and I.  I won't go into it here other than to say, I'm sure that many people share a similar feeling with the person that they love...i know this...and yet i truly believe it to valuable and rare.  the part that shakes me is to be so wrong about my own feelings.  I trust myself.  I trust my judgment.  I believe myself to be as wise as one can be for my age and a good assessor of the essence of who someone is or can be.   How could i have been so wrong about someone i was so close to?  Everyone tells me how lucky i am to have found out now or that it's good that this happened now versus later down the road as if this would have enviably happened regardless of any circumstances.   I don't feel lucky or glad or happy about any of it.  I love bengt.  I believed in him and I want to be right about him.  I want to believe he is just going through a hard time in his life and some sort of mid life crisis and that someday soon he will be some semblance of him again and find some peace within himself. 

it's weird how i have this duality about how i feel.  On the one hand, I feel i know him better than anyone else..on the other i feel like this is not the man i thought i knew and that i never knew him.  which one is right?  are the both right?  why does it even matter anymore?  is this part of working through everything?

I was talking to a friend last night and we were talking about how sad it is to have the two people that know you the best, have no respect for you anymore.  how does that make someone feel?  i imagine that he doesn't really think about it...or is working desperately to have someone else feel good about him so he doesn't have to feel bad about what he's done to lives, the children, he's left behind in the wreckage.

It makes me sad that people laugh about him and kat being together...that they now think so poorly of him, that they have lost respect for him.  He deserves this as these are his own choices. I am not responsible for the opinions of others...but there is something sad about people laughing at the man you love. i want to protect him..it is my instinct to do so...although in my craziness that hasn't always been shining through...but alas; either way it is not my job and he doesn't want that anyway. 

I am sad that he is the court jester fool and i am the crazy jilted lover in this story.  This is not how this is supposed to end.  Our story is not supposed to end like this.  I haven't felt like i have been writing this story (our story; my story) for the past 2 months.  Instead, i feel that i am merely given the script moments before it happens and have to act it out; like a soap opera star that is being written out of thier part without thier prior knowledge of it.

i feel much better having vented.  I only had 5 hours of sleep and then drove Zoe and the Puppy on a 9 hour drive from Las Vegas, Nevada to my home here in sunny california.  You'll have to forgive me if i was a little impatient and forthcoming.  I actually had a really great trip and a wonderful drive.  This morning, I watched the sunrise over the mountains in the desert.  It was so phenomenal, even at 80mph...For those 2-3 hours, Zoe and the puppy slept and I listened to music (OH MY GOD XM TOTALLY GOT ME THROUGH THE ENTIRE TRIP! THANK YOU "Fred", "Ethel" and "Lucy"..I didn't even pull out the 20plus CDs we brought)...but where was I..?...oh yeah..

I drove through the desert as the sun lit up the earth and the mountains will dark at the bases and being lit slowly top down...it was like a melting Sun was falling over them dripping it's light as it rose.   The desolation was comforting.  I could relate to the feeling of emptiness and isolation.  I felt alone in the desert.   I thought about Bengt and I and I thought about me and I thought about what had happened..and I didn't ask "why?" or immediately blame myself or Bengt.  I just thought about the whole thing and tried to see clearly....in the days prior to today, while traveling to Canada and then to LV by plane, I thought about him in the 'i am really missing him way'..but on the drive, i just looked at what had transgressed.  After about 437 different thoughts,  I came to one simple conclusion.  And this is not to make myself feel better, because it doesn't actually make me feel 'better'..

Death Valley Epiphany:  I respect people who tell the truth; both in situational facts and of thier own hearts.  Bengt does not do either of these things.  I do not respect Bengt.

Expansion of the Epiphany:  All of that is over now.  Move on.  As much as it hurts, as much as it sucks, as sad as I am- it is over forever. move on.  (unfortunately, the whole 'moving on' thing is easier said than done...unless you are a man or a slut...as i simply IM'd with him earlier and it completely set me off..as long as i don't talk to him..i am actually finding some peace)  he is not as he appeared. he was deceptive. he betrayed me. and i almost gave up my entire family for him and a life together.  I do not like people who lie.  I respect the truth.

There is of course even more to expand on and if you'd like to know more- email me, ask me to coffee, ask me for a drink, or give me a call to gab.

In other trip news:  Our hotel suite was Sweet!  Jacuzzi tub in a room that was bigger than my first apartment and great company (Z-Dog!).  I bought myself an amazing purse impromtu while browsing Caesar's Forum Shops...but can you blame me?   A brand new hot off the presses L.A.M.B purse.  L.A.M.B. is my favorite new Clothing Line and I was eyeing a watch i saw in Nordstrom's the other day...I bought a sweater of thiers in New York last new years eve (the most expensive sweater i've ever bought! we are talking WAY expensive...beyond cashmere prices..think designer brand prices) and I wear it constantly.  So anyway...this gorgous beautiful bag just called out to me...and this is after visiting, Gucci, Prada, Ferangamo..nothing 'wowd' me..but then- window display! BAM! Love at First Sight!  I went in, held them all, fondled them, played with the clasps and zippers...and asked the price...and without batting an eye said "I'll have it". Can I tell you what that feels like?  To have enough money in the bank to be able to do that?  So that is my Vegas Excess story..i didn't gamble, but i did spend way too much money on a new purse.

I also just received some movies I ordered.  Since I'll be home a lot with the puppy..(although she is turning out to be really portable), I thought I"d catch up on some tv series dvd's that i missed while they were on:  Soprano's, Lost and Six Feet Under. 

Now that i've come clean and confessed everything that i've bought for myself, i will put it in true context by restating how i bought nothing for anyone else for christmas (save for 3 kids).  This is truly grossly selfish of me.  I didn't mean to. It just kind of happened.  Impulses that i couldn't control.   it was vegas, baby. sin city.  

Quit trying to bait me.  I don't want to talk to you even though i am tempted to get a chance to yell at you.  You keep trying to tell me that "I left you, Em" as if to talk yourself into the fact that Kat had nothing to do with it.  fine. i really don't care what you need to tell yourself to be able to look in the mirror without cringing.  fine, fine, fine...you left me because of me and not because of kat...we all believe that. really. we do.

I've never known anyone as Cruel as you. 

Why do you even try and talk to me?  You've made your choice!  Talk to your precious New Girlfriend, kat brown;   You've chosen to screw your employee...oh wait...she's not a direct report, right?  she's only a dotted line or something.  i'm sure it's fine since you don't work together all the time...oh wait...nice and ethical. 

We will never be friends because you've made sure to go out of your way to act in the most UNFRIENDLY way toward me.  You've betrayed me, lied to me and then dug up everything again by saying you wanted to work things out only to recant 24 hours later.  You are Very confused person and really Fucked up in the head.  I am pissed that i've even let you upset me. and that i even answered your im.

You think that because i'm upset about you seeing kat (starting while i was in china btw) that i've forgotten that you also just don't want to be with me anymore. well, i haven't.  how will you ever let me forget it....

Funny what a "Good" person you've become since hooking up with her.  You've managed to hurt so many people (and not just me and zoe) since spending time with her.  Glad to know, you are picking friends that bring out the best in your own character.  (that was sarcasm there folks)

The good news for both of us: I don't want anything to do with you anymore either....(i know, finally!)  if you would only stop talking to me, then maybe i could freakin move on.

Next time you feel the urge to talk to me; Go fuck your girlfriend instead.

i flew to Vancouver, Canada today.  This was not business and not really that personal.  It was more of a pathectic little thing called the "mileage run".  This is when you fly somewhere only for the miles and not for the place.  In my case, i needed 1412 miles to make MVP on Alaska Airlines, which i fly frequently for work.  Being MVP means i get to board the plane first and get free upgrades to first class everytime i fly..which is at least 10-15 times a year.  The first class thing is worth it.  SJC to SEA is 1392 miles...Vancouver was 1600 miles and cheaper than San Diego.  I was upgraded to first class both ways and spent 4 hours in the airport.  I had airport food all day and i feel a little ill from it.

Mostly I was sad today.  I missed bengt a lot today.  I don't know whether it's the holidays, the traveling or just a general feeling of missing someone i used to talk to a lot.  It seemed like today, everything reminded me of him, or of a shared memory or moment.  i miss him. a lot.  thinking more about it now as i write this; i realize it wasn't a missing him as it was more of a mourning for the happiness i thought we both shared together.  I am hurt by him.  I am sad (and mortified) that he "didn't pick me" and has chosen to be with another woman.  I am hurt that he doesn't love me as much as he said he did.   I cried a little today.  I tried not to.  The tears just escaped from my eyes with me trying despartely not to be 'emotional' in the middle of an airport in Canada.  It was lonely.  I was lonely.  I guess you could say that i felt very alone today.  cold, lonely and far away.  a sad miserable combination.

I don't know how to not miss him.  I wish i didn't after the way he's treated me.........i wish i could just walk away and easily and suddenly get a whole new life.  I keep wondering when it gets easier and when i will feel better and when my heart won't ache for him.  Am I supposed to find a new boyfriend right away?  Move into a new house?  get all new friends?  buy all new furniture?  buy a new phone?  change everything so nothing will remind me of him?  .....that's what he has done...that is probably why it is easy for him.    I don't want to sound pessimistic, but somehow i just don't think it's going to be as simple as that for me.

Tomorrow we fly to Las Vegas for a big giant adventure that ends with getting a new puppy.   I am feeling apprehensive and scared and worrying about all the driving at night and about getting lost and getting tired and traffic and accidents and i'm hoping i can manage to not be sad on the trip.  and what in the world am i going to do in vegas for 2 days with my 10 year old?  and at this point...i'm not even sure when i'll be home...hopfully by christmas eve :)

I have to say that i am sick of christmas.  It has taken me 32 years to be truly sick of it.  It's been building for quite some time....but the hypocrisy of the whole thing has really just gotten to me this year.  All the spending on needless items....my daughter is only 9 years old and wants to buy gifts for everyone she knows...it is sweet of her, but it has only taken 9 years for society to infiltrate her little psyche into beleiving that she HAS to buy things for people or ELSE...........or else what?

Where would Jesus shop?  probably not Valley Fair...he wouldn't bother trying to find parking there...or maybe he would show the world a new miracle and create parking spaces from nothing. 

I am not buying presents this year....except for the kids...and even then I've only gotten presents Zoe and Bengt's children.   I just can't stand the thought of going out shopping this time of year.  and now i am out of time anyway. All of the adults that i know have agreed on this whole not buying stuff plan...we shall see who sticks to it.  I wish that i had gotten one thing for Zoe that I didn't have a chance to get:  the Dance Dance Revolution Xbox Game with Dance Pad.....i kept meaning to get to Fry's to buy it but i never did. 

Would Jesus shop at Goodwill?  Or would he make his own Gifts?   Would Jesus wrap his presents with the perfect wrapping paper and a big red bow?  Would his presents have gift tags on them that said: To: Mary Magdelene From: Jesus

I am thankful this year for my beautiful healthy daughter Zoe.  For living close to so many people in my Family that I get to see them more often than just on Xmas day.  For my parents love and support.  For all of the friends I have in my life, both the ones i see everyday and the ones i talk to only a few times a year.  I am thankful to have spent most of the entire year with a man that i loved and i that i thought loved me.  I was really looking forward to another year together........but i'll try to be grateful for my year of happiness instead of longing for more. (although one could also say it was a wasted year)

I will be happy on January 1.  A new year.  this year has ended badly and sadly for me and my daughter.  My faith and love in my best friend were shattered and i was betrayed by him in every way possible.  there is no where to go but up from this low place. things will be better than they are now. they have to be.  and i always say that everything happens for a reason..we just don't usually know what that reason is until later.  I'm hoping something wonderful happens in 2007....something that will give purpose or balance to how 2006 has ended.