13 posts tagged “angry”

Chris was over tonight and he just left.  He's moving to Seattle on Monday. WAM. BAM.  He's got about a month worth of interviews and checks to go through before he's officially hired.

This is part of the fallout from my relationship with Bengt.  Bengt, Zoe and I were moving to WA this July and my family had started making plans around it...including, Zoe's father, Chris, getting a job in Seattle so that he could continue to see and be close to Zoe. Unfortunately, the job is too good for him to pass up and he really needs to take it, even though Zoe and I are no longer moving up there in July.  I could tell he was really upset about the whole thing..he's worried about how Zoe will be effected with his sudden absense on top of Bengt's dissapearing act.

I was really positive and hopeful to him and told him not to worry about Zoe, that she'd be fine and that this is a really great opportunity for him.  I told him the best thing he could do for Zoe was to get his self together.

But i am worried about Zoe.................as fucked up as he can be....she still adores him and counts on him just being around.....fuck.

I feel like this is all my fault. it's not...it's bengt's fault.  My daughter not only loses bengt (who was practically like a stepfather to her) but now loses her father as well.

fucking men. fucked up in the head men.  fucking men that lie. fucking men that change thier minds like that. fucking men that have mental problems. fucking men that act like selfish little boys.  fucking men that think they can just go through life being cruel and mean to people without consequences.  fucking men that can turn off thier hearts like a switch.  fucking men that can talk themself into anything.  fucking men that can adopt a new life within a week.  fucking men that can invent whatever reality they want to believe they are living in.  fucking men that can turn off all feelings of remorse, guilt, or conscience. fucking men that act like psychopaths.  fucking men with borderline personality disorder. fucking men that run away from responsibility. fucking men that say you are thier best friend while they decide to date other women. fucking men that screw over my daughters life. fucking men.

I've listened to The VillageGreen album, Feeling the Fall,  5 times today so far. It's my new favorite.   Chris gave me two new bands to check out; Eagles of Death Metal and Towers of London.

A friend of mine told me to list Bengt in the WWW.DONTDATEHIM.COM directory of bad men...but i'm sure he'll stick with his ultra round bitchface nudist man stealer girlfriend for a while- he's not strong enough to be alone.  The website is pretty funny...i guess there are a few of them...it reminds of another joke that a friend and i were making about leaving notes on the stalls of the women's bathrooms at work that say "beware of bengt", or worse yet, share horribly personal details...unfortunately, the risk to my own livelyhood prevents me from doing this...at least the work bathroom part anyway...

I just had this really wierd dream.......I kept slapping Kat after everytime she looked at me or spoke.  Or I would open fisted hard slap her, push her, kick her..everything but hit her with my fist. She wasn't with Bengt but with Chris (Zoe's Dad) and I went over to his house with Zoe to see him before her birthday party.  We visited for a short while and then Kat came out of the bedroom and started acting all smug and natural..not being nice but having this ha ha deal with it attitude.  She was wearing a really nice long coat with a fur collar (nothing like something that she would wear, and I remember thinking she had taken it from my closet...or it was something i left over there) I went up to her and slapped her really hard that her entire head rattled.  Her face was red from the mark my hand left.  I did this several times all the while trying to control myself as to not beat the crap out of her in front of Zoe.  The scene then changed to a mall or park and it was Zoe's Birthday party and there were tons of people there.  The same thing happened there repeatedly except for Chris kept telling me that she would keep acting that way untill I actually boxed her and hit her with my fist versus what i was doing.  He was encouraging me (lightly) to just get it over with and actually hit her versus trying to seemingly be more civilized with my slapping.

I know, I know....it's not that wierd right?  Or is it?  It seems like such a obvious dream at first, right?  It wigged me out.  I don't usually dream about hurting people.  actually, i never dream of causing pain to someone else.  that is not who i am...even in my subconscience...but yet, here it is...in my dreams today...this was a nap dream versus last night....but same time frame for prime time REM dream time...7am to 9am..i had gone back to sleep from my 5am session with the puppy this morning and must have dreamed it then.

The funny thing is- I really enjoyed myself in the dream.  It was nice to be able to say whatever I wanted to her, do whatever I wanted without any consequences or reprecussions.  The other strange thing was that Bengt had nothing to do with the dream..he didn't exist in that world.  the other wierd thing was that i wansn't even pissed at Chris.  I exspect things like that from Chris (although Chris would never go with someone as plain and normal as her)...it was just a strange dream.  I was awaken from it with a phone call and I feel like i didn't get to finish it.  I want to know what I decided to do?  Did i go for it? 

......you know i did.

I've really enjoyed watching Season 1 of Six Feet Under this week.  I had a marathon tv watching session over the past 4 days and have finished the first season.  Yes, this is what happens when you have a puppy and have to stay close to home.  You write a lot, use the computer a lot, talk on the phone a lot, eat a lot (no thanks to watching a Top Chef Marathon on Bravo yesterday!), chat online a lot and last but not least- watch a lot of tv.  I like the uptight gay brother and the control freaky mom and the crazy brother of brenda, billy.  All the characters are wacky and dysfunctional but completely relatable and I love the series.  I am temped to go out tonight and get the 2nd season vs. switching to the first season of Sopranos. 

The dilemmas we face while on vacation can be complex and tough.  Like for instance- Today, I faced the dilemma of having to decide if I would look at a calendar to find out what day it was.  I had lost track after a week of vacation.  Isn't that the most fabulous thing that you've ever heard of?  I think it's fucking great.  I'm such a slave to the clock in my normal life that losing track is absolutely the most blissful state of being that i could be in.  Yes, Yes...vacation can be truly full of tough decisions.  Another perplexor that has happened has been whether or not to get dressed today.  After some careful consideration around 5 ish , I decided against it.  It was one of those...let's take a shower in the evening and put pajamas back on kind of days.  Wonderful.  Pure decadent indulgence.  the only thing that would be better is if i had some really nice Champagne and some brownies. 

Death.

So the show has me thinking about Death.  Am i ready for death?  am i scared of death?  I do not want to die anytime soon that is for sure.  I want to live to be an old woman and i have about a million things I still want to do in life.  I am scared about the people i love no longer being around. It's almost like i am more scared for my loved ones than i am for myself.  I worry about it too much. 

Dealing with B's esophagus pre cancerous condition stuff made me think about life and death.  It also made me think about B in a different way and what i had thought at the time was seizing the day and seizing the moment with my love for another person...it made me think that life was short and that making connections with people is rare and to hold onto those people in our lives that are precious.  I remember praying to God to let him be okay and to not have cancer; crying to my mother about him; asking the world to call in every Karma favor so that he just might live and not die.  I thought that B and I had this unique special kind of connection.  I have known a lot of people in my life, i have had great loves and good friends.  There was something very special about B and I.  I won't go into it here other than to say, I'm sure that many people share a similar feeling with the person that they love...i know this...and yet i truly believe it to valuable and rare.  the part that shakes me is to be so wrong about my own feelings.  I trust myself.  I trust my judgment.  I believe myself to be as wise as one can be for my age and a good assessor of the essence of who someone is or can be.   How could i have been so wrong about someone i was so close to?  Everyone tells me how lucky i am to have found out now or that it's good that this happened now versus later down the road as if this would have enviably happened regardless of any circumstances.   I don't feel lucky or glad or happy about any of it.  I love bengt.  I believed in him and I want to be right about him.  I want to believe he is just going through a hard time in his life and some sort of mid life crisis and that someday soon he will be some semblance of him again and find some peace within himself. 

it's weird how i have this duality about how i feel.  On the one hand, I feel i know him better than anyone else..on the other i feel like this is not the man i thought i knew and that i never knew him.  which one is right?  are the both right?  why does it even matter anymore?  is this part of working through everything?

I was talking to a friend last night and we were talking about how sad it is to have the two people that know you the best, have no respect for you anymore.  how does that make someone feel?  i imagine that he doesn't really think about it...or is working desperately to have someone else feel good about him so he doesn't have to feel bad about what he's done to lives, the children, he's left behind in the wreckage.

It makes me sad that people laugh about him and kat being together...that they now think so poorly of him, that they have lost respect for him.  He deserves this as these are his own choices. I am not responsible for the opinions of others...but there is something sad about people laughing at the man you love. i want to protect him..it is my instinct to do so...although in my craziness that hasn't always been shining through...but alas; either way it is not my job and he doesn't want that anyway. 

I am sad that he is the court jester fool and i am the crazy jilted lover in this story.  This is not how this is supposed to end.  Our story is not supposed to end like this.  I haven't felt like i have been writing this story (our story; my story) for the past 2 months.  Instead, i feel that i am merely given the script moments before it happens and have to act it out; like a soap opera star that is being written out of thier part without thier prior knowledge of it.

i feel much better having vented.  I only had 5 hours of sleep and then drove Zoe and the Puppy on a 9 hour drive from Las Vegas, Nevada to my home here in sunny california.  You'll have to forgive me if i was a little impatient and forthcoming.  I actually had a really great trip and a wonderful drive.  This morning, I watched the sunrise over the mountains in the desert.  It was so phenomenal, even at 80mph...For those 2-3 hours, Zoe and the puppy slept and I listened to music (OH MY GOD XM TOTALLY GOT ME THROUGH THE ENTIRE TRIP! THANK YOU "Fred", "Ethel" and "Lucy"..I didn't even pull out the 20plus CDs we brought)...but where was I..?...oh yeah..

I drove through the desert as the sun lit up the earth and the mountains will dark at the bases and being lit slowly top down...it was like a melting Sun was falling over them dripping it's light as it rose.   The desolation was comforting.  I could relate to the feeling of emptiness and isolation.  I felt alone in the desert.   I thought about Bengt and I and I thought about me and I thought about what had happened..and I didn't ask "why?" or immediately blame myself or Bengt.  I just thought about the whole thing and tried to see clearly....in the days prior to today, while traveling to Canada and then to LV by plane, I thought about him in the 'i am really missing him way'..but on the drive, i just looked at what had transgressed.  After about 437 different thoughts,  I came to one simple conclusion.  And this is not to make myself feel better, because it doesn't actually make me feel 'better'..

Death Valley Epiphany:  I respect people who tell the truth; both in situational facts and of thier own hearts.  Bengt does not do either of these things.  I do not respect Bengt.

Expansion of the Epiphany:  All of that is over now.  Move on.  As much as it hurts, as much as it sucks, as sad as I am- it is over forever. move on.  (unfortunately, the whole 'moving on' thing is easier said than done...unless you are a man or a slut...as i simply IM'd with him earlier and it completely set me off..as long as i don't talk to him..i am actually finding some peace)  he is not as he appeared. he was deceptive. he betrayed me. and i almost gave up my entire family for him and a life together.  I do not like people who lie.  I respect the truth.

There is of course even more to expand on and if you'd like to know more- email me, ask me to coffee, ask me for a drink, or give me a call to gab.

In other trip news:  Our hotel suite was Sweet!  Jacuzzi tub in a room that was bigger than my first apartment and great company (Z-Dog!).  I bought myself an amazing purse impromtu while browsing Caesar's Forum Shops...but can you blame me?   A brand new hot off the presses L.A.M.B purse.  L.A.M.B. is my favorite new Clothing Line and I was eyeing a watch i saw in Nordstrom's the other day...I bought a sweater of thiers in New York last new years eve (the most expensive sweater i've ever bought! we are talking WAY expensive...beyond cashmere prices..think designer brand prices) and I wear it constantly.  So anyway...this gorgous beautiful bag just called out to me...and this is after visiting, Gucci, Prada, Ferangamo..nothing 'wowd' me..but then- window display! BAM! Love at First Sight!  I went in, held them all, fondled them, played with the clasps and zippers...and asked the price...and without batting an eye said "I'll have it". Can I tell you what that feels like?  To have enough money in the bank to be able to do that?  So that is my Vegas Excess story..i didn't gamble, but i did spend way too much money on a new purse.

I also just received some movies I ordered.  Since I'll be home a lot with the puppy..(although she is turning out to be really portable), I thought I"d catch up on some tv series dvd's that i missed while they were on:  Soprano's, Lost and Six Feet Under. 

Now that i've come clean and confessed everything that i've bought for myself, i will put it in true context by restating how i bought nothing for anyone else for christmas (save for 3 kids).  This is truly grossly selfish of me.  I didn't mean to. It just kind of happened.  Impulses that i couldn't control.   it was vegas, baby. sin city.  

Quit trying to bait me.  I don't want to talk to you even though i am tempted to get a chance to yell at you.  You keep trying to tell me that "I left you, Em" as if to talk yourself into the fact that Kat had nothing to do with it.  fine. i really don't care what you need to tell yourself to be able to look in the mirror without cringing.  fine, fine, fine...you left me because of me and not because of kat...we all believe that. really. we do.

I've never known anyone as Cruel as you. 

Why do you even try and talk to me?  You've made your choice!  Talk to your precious New Girlfriend, kat brown;   You've chosen to screw your employee...oh wait...she's not a direct report, right?  she's only a dotted line or something.  i'm sure it's fine since you don't work together all the time...oh wait...nice and ethical. 

We will never be friends because you've made sure to go out of your way to act in the most UNFRIENDLY way toward me.  You've betrayed me, lied to me and then dug up everything again by saying you wanted to work things out only to recant 24 hours later.  You are Very confused person and really Fucked up in the head.  I am pissed that i've even let you upset me. and that i even answered your im.

You think that because i'm upset about you seeing kat (starting while i was in china btw) that i've forgotten that you also just don't want to be with me anymore. well, i haven't.  how will you ever let me forget it....

Funny what a "Good" person you've become since hooking up with her.  You've managed to hurt so many people (and not just me and zoe) since spending time with her.  Glad to know, you are picking friends that bring out the best in your own character.  (that was sarcasm there folks)

The good news for both of us: I don't want anything to do with you anymore either....(i know, finally!)  if you would only stop talking to me, then maybe i could freakin move on.

Next time you feel the urge to talk to me; Go fuck your girlfriend instead.

i flew to Vancouver, Canada today.  This was not business and not really that personal.  It was more of a pathectic little thing called the "mileage run".  This is when you fly somewhere only for the miles and not for the place.  In my case, i needed 1412 miles to make MVP on Alaska Airlines, which i fly frequently for work.  Being MVP means i get to board the plane first and get free upgrades to first class everytime i fly..which is at least 10-15 times a year.  The first class thing is worth it.  SJC to SEA is 1392 miles...Vancouver was 1600 miles and cheaper than San Diego.  I was upgraded to first class both ways and spent 4 hours in the airport.  I had airport food all day and i feel a little ill from it.

Mostly I was sad today.  I missed bengt a lot today.  I don't know whether it's the holidays, the traveling or just a general feeling of missing someone i used to talk to a lot.  It seemed like today, everything reminded me of him, or of a shared memory or moment.  i miss him. a lot.  thinking more about it now as i write this; i realize it wasn't a missing him as it was more of a mourning for the happiness i thought we both shared together.  I am hurt by him.  I am sad (and mortified) that he "didn't pick me" and has chosen to be with another woman.  I am hurt that he doesn't love me as much as he said he did.   I cried a little today.  I tried not to.  The tears just escaped from my eyes with me trying despartely not to be 'emotional' in the middle of an airport in Canada.  It was lonely.  I was lonely.  I guess you could say that i felt very alone today.  cold, lonely and far away.  a sad miserable combination.

I don't know how to not miss him.  I wish i didn't after the way he's treated me.........i wish i could just walk away and easily and suddenly get a whole new life.  I keep wondering when it gets easier and when i will feel better and when my heart won't ache for him.  Am I supposed to find a new boyfriend right away?  Move into a new house?  get all new friends?  buy all new furniture?  buy a new phone?  change everything so nothing will remind me of him?  .....that's what he has done...that is probably why it is easy for him.    I don't want to sound pessimistic, but somehow i just don't think it's going to be as simple as that for me.

Tomorrow we fly to Las Vegas for a big giant adventure that ends with getting a new puppy.   I am feeling apprehensive and scared and worrying about all the driving at night and about getting lost and getting tired and traffic and accidents and i'm hoping i can manage to not be sad on the trip.  and what in the world am i going to do in vegas for 2 days with my 10 year old?  and at this point...i'm not even sure when i'll be home...hopfully by christmas eve :)

I have to say that i am sick of christmas.  It has taken me 32 years to be truly sick of it.  It's been building for quite some time....but the hypocrisy of the whole thing has really just gotten to me this year.  All the spending on needless items....my daughter is only 9 years old and wants to buy gifts for everyone she knows...it is sweet of her, but it has only taken 9 years for society to infiltrate her little psyche into beleiving that she HAS to buy things for people or ELSE...........or else what?

Where would Jesus shop?  probably not Valley Fair...he wouldn't bother trying to find parking there...or maybe he would show the world a new miracle and create parking spaces from nothing. 

I am not buying presents this year....except for the kids...and even then I've only gotten presents Zoe and Bengt's children.   I just can't stand the thought of going out shopping this time of year.  and now i am out of time anyway. All of the adults that i know have agreed on this whole not buying stuff plan...we shall see who sticks to it.  I wish that i had gotten one thing for Zoe that I didn't have a chance to get:  the Dance Dance Revolution Xbox Game with Dance Pad.....i kept meaning to get to Fry's to buy it but i never did. 

Would Jesus shop at Goodwill?  Or would he make his own Gifts?   Would Jesus wrap his presents with the perfect wrapping paper and a big red bow?  Would his presents have gift tags on them that said: To: Mary Magdelene From: Jesus

I am thankful this year for my beautiful healthy daughter Zoe.  For living close to so many people in my Family that I get to see them more often than just on Xmas day.  For my parents love and support.  For all of the friends I have in my life, both the ones i see everyday and the ones i talk to only a few times a year.  I am thankful to have spent most of the entire year with a man that i loved and i that i thought loved me.  I was really looking forward to another year together........but i'll try to be grateful for my year of happiness instead of longing for more. (although one could also say it was a wasted year)

I will be happy on January 1.  A new year.  this year has ended badly and sadly for me and my daughter.  My faith and love in my best friend were shattered and i was betrayed by him in every way possible.  there is no where to go but up from this low place. things will be better than they are now. they have to be.  and i always say that everything happens for a reason..we just don't usually know what that reason is until later.  I'm hoping something wonderful happens in 2007....something that will give purpose or balance to how 2006 has ended.

I believed him.  That is the only part of this story I am about to tell that you should be surprised by......

He started talking to me this week, being really nice.  We had coffee on Wednesday, talked a little, and decided to go out on Friday and talk some more.  By thursday night, we ended up drinking and hanging out having a good time....falling easily into old roles and we went home together.  We spent all of Friday talking.  He wanted to get back together.  Work through things.  He wanted to be with me and somehow find a way to go through all of the hard work to try to be together again.  We talked for like 15 hours.  Not drunken talk, but actual talking about everything.  He was normal again.  Himself.  It wasn't a 'everything is going to fine now' kind of talk, but a difficult talk and what I thought was a "REAL" talk.  He talked a lot about how he needed to go break it off with Kat(talking to me about how he was going to do this), and that he'd been seeing her everyday since he left me; that she was his girlfriend now and that they were at the point where they automatically spent all thier time together....that she's even stayed at his new place with him; that he was with her because he couldn't be alone.  (he is a disgusting pig liar cheat) he said she was  "needy and a primadonna and couldn't see ever having a long term relationship with her" (uh...duh!) and that he got the feeling that her family was used to her having a lot of boyfriends. (ya think?) anyway..that's all not really the point of this...the point is:

He called me 24 hours later to say, "nevermind, I don't want to be with you".

Like I said, the only surprising thing should be that my heart wanted it to be true...i didn't fully buy in as I remember thinking to myself, "yeah, i'll believe it when you still feel the same way a few days later and break up with your stand in whore of a girlfriend."  It's been a month and he's been with her the entire time?  what a loser.

What a fucking Psycho he is???!!!!!!  How can he be so CARELESS with me?  He is the most CoNFUSED and CRAZY person i've ever been involved with.  He is seriously in need of mental help- and I don't mean this a flip statement...i mean he seriously does not have a clue how to not lie to himself and others.  he is out of control. He doesn't even know how to have a one night stand?  Which is just crazy!!! don't they teach you that in like How to Be a Real Man 101?  Why couldn't he just have the fun drunken night with me, hook up with me and then that is that....why did he have to complicate it with hours and hours of wanting to get back together....? 

The good news:

That did it for me.  I shed a few tears while on the phone with him as he told me this (minutes before i am to leave to go to my company xmas party), but not enough tears that i had to re-do my makeup or anything...and then that was that.  Yes, i am hurt and feel stupid for letting my heart feel hopeful for some would be possible reconsilation..but overall.....Thank God! Good Riddance!  At least we got that over and out of the way and I can Move on now without ever having to deal with him again.  I'm not even worried about the work stuff anymore...or him being with Kat....because he did make sure to tell me that he was going to keep seeing her....(what an unneeded and hurtful thing to say to me???) I am done with him.  Now that i know him as a pycho, I have no interest in what happens to him.  I do however, have to amend my past posts talking about taking the higher road and even hint about me being there for him in the future or us ever being friends.  that will never happen.  I don't want anything to do with him and he isn't my friend.    If you think i'm harsh, re-read my old posts and get the story of my journey to this place that i am now.  I have a been a loyal friend, and he has destroyed every shred of our friendship and love...and even though i'm sad, I'm also truly happy to have had all of this happen and to have him gone from my future and my life.  He is not the kind of person i want to have in my life, let alone my future and to marry. 

ATTENTION WOMEN OF THE WORLD:

You Can Have Him!!!

He is calculatingly careful about how others view him and will appear as the nicest sweetest guy you've ever met....but he is capable and has done harm to those  that he loved.  Zoe and I have been completely screwed over by him.  He's screwed over his ex wife and children as well. His path in life is one of destruction that he has learned to mask very well over the years.  People at work beleive him to be this really together kind of person....wow. He should switch jobs and be a Publicist...he is really good at working on his own image and doesn't have the integrity or morals to care what lies he continually and constantly creates to get to his desired end.

Don't get me wrong...it's not like i was totally fine about the whole thing...i met andrew for dinner and then drove up to the city..we had a suite in the hotel and did a few vodka shots before heading off to the company xmas party...jilted girl drinking at the xmas party....you can imagine how this story is going to end, right?  We went to a bar afterwards and apparently i drank quite alot between the hotel, the party and the bar...i haven't been that drunk in about a year....everyone had to take care of me...i could hardly walk...i couldn't come out of bathroom in the bar.....i'm lucky someone got me to a bed.  I was embarrassingly drunk and upset.  I overslept this morning and had to race back to the southbay to make it to church....I got a speeding ticket for going 97.....but I made it to church in time and got to see Zoe in the Xmas Pagent playing the virgin Mary.  I took her to do her xmas shopping afterwards and then made her lunch..Less Lush Mom, More Mom Mom Needed.  Next week, when the new baby (puppy) arrives, my partying days are over and my stay at home and wipe butts days are back again.  Saying good riddance to one ass and welcoming in a new cuter one. 

thinking tonight. i have been listening to dead can dance for a couple of hours and it is comforting and soothing to me.   I've been talking to a new friend (a woman, for all you who might read something into my use of the word 'new friend') all weekend and the perspective i've gotten from these conversations is really good for me.   I am really thankful about how the stars can align in the universe and out of nowhere comes a friendly and caring ear.   Everytime i talk with her i feel calmer, stronger and somehow end up feeling like i truly will get through this.  thank you.

i've been realizing a lot of things.  things that have to do with me.  what my part in this is.  the choices i made. the direction things took.  why i was willing to believe things i probably shouldn't have.  what my role really was: rebound girl. you don't know how hard it is for me to say this- to think that is all i was to him. it really does make me lose my faith in people.

man, i want to get through all of this, past it, out of it and come out on the other side. i'm trying really hard to be all zen like tonight. i am trying hard to think about being peaceful and forgiving. i am not there yet. i want to be. but i am really not there. 

i apologized to him for being crazy and out of control this week.  yes, yes, i know..i shouldn't have to apologize; but this is who i am.  one person's behavior is not an excuse for my own bad behavior.  i treat other people how i would like to be treated and i haven't been very great this past week.  the world might excuse my behavior and everyone might understand it, but it still doesn't make it right.

Zoe was sad again tonight. they talked on the phone, she felt better. we need to figure out how to work through his involvement with zoe.  she needs him right now and the sudden departure from her life and her home is taking it's toll on her.  i am not stupid though. he has his own children and we were never married so what does he owe us, right?  i guess it's just a matter of getting zoe through this hard time.....

I am listening to Etta James right now..."a sunday kind of love".

is there anyone out there with honor, integrity and a well established sense of self? 

i'm thinking about way too much tonight.  my life. the past. the begining with bengt. the end with bengt. the middle with bengt.  my future. where i am to live.  should i still move to WA?  where will my heart be when this is finished?  where will it be when it's healed.  how to find some peace in this hellish nightmare.  how to move on from this?  how to explain his behavior and actions to my 10 year old daughter.  how will this effect her in her life?  how will important guy #2 walking out on her mom effect her?  how to accept things that feel so wrong.  how to accept that people can actually be not very good people on the inside.  this is too much to think about on a sunday night or maybe just what i need to do. 

the mundane:   i had people over for coffee this morning.  it was good.  Chris and Melanie took Zoe to see "happy feet" and then to dinner.  I went to see the movie Borat.   i took some pictures.  i did the dishes.  i thought a lot and cried less than the day before and less than the day before that. 

here are some pictures from today and yesterday.

Em2 nov19

Zoe and chris 11.2006

Em 3 nov19

Em slippers

Is it good that i can talk about the breakups before B?  does that mean that this was not the worst? isn't it usually like you never remember the one before, you only know the one you are currently going through?  i think it's more about the one before was Zoe's father and you never forget the break up with the father/mother of your children.  it kind of gets the hall of fame in your top 5 breakups.  Speaking of, let's do that.  here are mine.
 
Emily's Top 5 Breakups

1. Chris
2. Ed
3. Bengt
4. Tim
5. Aron

This was a little tougher than i thought and i'm not sure if it's accurate given that i'm in the first week of my breakup with B.  it's hard to tell how hard this is going to be.  this definitely has those extra circumstances that give extra weight in this category, like the working together thing. But my main judging criteria is my own personal mental health before during and afterwards.  this can include recover time, bounce back, and overall health.  I put Ed in front of Bengt because breaking up with Ed/ getting divorced, caused me to spiral to a really dark place for a couple of years.  2 years of out of control is pretty significant.  i can tell you that i know right now, i will not allow myself to get to that dark of a place...not now, not being a mom.  But then again....i haven't really eaten in a week and have been on sleeping pills and valium all week...that's not really in a happy good place either.  and this is only week 1.   I reserve the right to re-align if necessary a ways down the road.
 
Here is a little summary of each as i walk down memory lane and feel reflective today.
 
1. Chris

Hooked up with chris while spiraling out of control from my breakup with Ed.  We were out of control together.  I found myself pregnant a couple of years later and got my act together...he tried but was not successful.  i found out he was using herion and that was the begining of the end of that.  3 years and 11 rehabs later, we moved on from eacthother and as a result of this relationship i have the most beautiful inspiring daughter in the world, my zoe marie. this gets the number one slot because of the whole breakup of the family thing and its long lasting effect on my daughter.

2. Ed

This gets the number 2 slot because it really took me about 2 years of a deep depression to get through this.  this messed with my head the most.  maybe because this was the only Emily Inpired Breakup of my history. i left him. i wanted the divorce.  either way, i thought i was going to be married forever and having it end messed with me. big time.

3. Bengt

What i thought was the best relationship i'd ever had, ended suddenly and briskly as i was told all of his feelings for me were a lie.  i still can't even grasp it and i keep thinking that maybe after a while we could work things out.  i really throught we had something ya know?  like this doesn't happen everyday...it doesn't happen every time.  you stick. i am sad beyond belief and i love him despite the lies and betrayal.  stayed tuned for if this moves up or down in the rankings. 

4. Tim

First real boyfriend.  Wow. everything with him was super intense.  there were a lot of firsts with him.  he had to move away when we were in high school.  i thought i was going to die of sadness.  my first love.

5. Aron

My second love.  He was the coolest thing in town. punk rock don't stop.  like a real live version of Spike from Buffy but without the being evil and all.  can't remember why it didn't work out.  he was super hot.