20 posts from January 2008

i need to relax. big time.  i have been going a million miles an hour since I returned from vacation with big projects at work, traveling for work, and prepping for Zoe's birthday and subsequent celebrations and parties. 

i need a massage.  i need 2  drinks.  i need a bubble bath in a clean tub. i need to not have to get up in the morning.  i need a break from responsibility day. i need a night out with my friends. 

what magic is it that allows two people to be in love?  why do some people get to experience it so much more often than others?  how many self help books have been written in the name of love? do this, do that. love yourself more.

i am full of love. i am brimming with love. i am fucking exploding with love dammit. :)

chris tried to hurt himself last weekend; took a bunch of pills and drank some bleach. was in the hospital for a few days.  what a selfish prick to consider killing himself on zoe's birthday weekend...when he called to tell me about it, he didn't even mention or ask about her. self involved and self absorbed and obviously wrapped up in his own problems and significant drama.

i am unsympathetic to the situation.  he has had every offering of help from friends, family, government agencies, non profits, programs, organizations, strangers, kindness of others...and he still cannot pull himself up and keep from falling apart for more than 6 months at a time.

I told him on the phone tonight to stay away from zoe and not to be around her.  i told him i didn't want to have to bring the law into it, but that i was serious and he needed to respect my decision.  i told him he was unfit to be around minor children and needed to help himself and that until he was safe and stable, he needed to stay away.

i told him he was disinvited to zoe's family birthday dinner on friday.

I say that i am detached and unmoved, but all of that is hyping myself so that I can actually get through all of this. it is sad and terrible and no where in the realm of the kind of father i want for my daughter. 

this event is like a little black rain cloud trying to ruin our celebration of life and love and birthdays.  I'd be more unhinged and unglued by the whole thing if it was the first time..but alas, this is not the first time...and I'd rather not have to admit how many times we've bore witness to this same episode.

since there is nothing i can do to help chris, I will do the only thing i can do- take care of zoe and myself the best way i know how and try not to let this little black rain cloud rain on our parade. 

I am so happy lately.  hooray for me!  I have found a balance in my life lately that has produced a wonderful feeling of joy and contentment.

I was to sing and scream and dance around and I have been! 

whenever i travel to washington state I can't help but to think back on when i first lived here fresh out of high school, seemingly in love and thinking that i was taking charge of my life and my destiny for the first time.

That was 15 years ago. 

I lived in Puyallup, WA and Tacoma, WA from 1992 to 1995 or 1996...I can't quite remember when I moved back to California...I remember the actual events of moving, but it was so wrapped in emotional distress of leaving my husband that the concept of times and dates and years seem like a trivial thing to have to recall. The SEATAC airport for some reason all brings back a flood of memories...of leaving Washington and my husband to go and visit my friends and family and then of having to come back.  The exhileration of knowing I was going 'home', for i still though of my parents house as home, and the agony of stepping out of the plane back at Seatac and knowing what i was actually come home to.  don't get me wrong..my husband loved me- i would always welcome me back with a big smile and a big hug..he would take the heavy bags from arms and put me in the car and drive me home to our little studio/and then later a fancy 1bdrm apartment in tacoma....my time spent here in washington is filled with so many mixed feelings- i both miss it and want to forget it all at the same time.  i guess it always makes me think of what could have been..i have it all twisted and wrapped up in the end of my marriage, my leaving my husband and leaving washionton state for good...

only later to work at a company where i would travel to washington state 15-20 times a year...all the while dulling the ache and memories of the past with the reality of business travel.

i had this memory come back to me tonight, one that i had forgotten about- of getting up at 4am in the morning with my husband to help make it easier on him cause he had to be to work at 6am...and so i could get the car for the day...when i first moved here, to wa, i didn't have a drivers license and quickly realized that it was a necessity after living in tacoma for a year...i was in a city where i knew few people and was totally dependent on my husband to get me here or there...yes, yes, i took the bus..anyway...i would get up with him and drive him to work and then i would go to Shari's, which is this all night/24/7 diner place similiar to Denny's but a northwest thing and sit and study for my college classes.  the thing that always struck me as odd and still does of this memory is that all the while it was dark . black as night.  strange coming from sunny california and a situation where i was never up before noon if i could help it let alone driving across a city of snow, ice, hail, rain and all kinds of weather i had never encountered nor driven in.  sometimes i didn't get up and go with him.  sometimes i let him stand outside in the snow and cold waiting for the car to warm up...the car always took at least 10 minutes to warm up or it would stall...a cute little bright yellow 2 door honda accord...you remember those small tiny ones? 

room service just brought me a lovely Cosmopolitian and a plate of chicken quesidillas. yumm.

In 22 minutes my daughter will be 11 years old. I am 33 years old.  My mother is 55 years old and her mother, my grandmother is 88 years old.  It's a beautiful palindromic moment in time that will only last about 20 or so days until my birthday on Feb 18th.   we are going to have our picture taken to commemorate the event.

and speaking of commemorating...my little baby girl is almost 11 years old!!! woo hoo!  i am such a proud mama! 

so i thought my flatten and rebuild attempt had gone swimmingly.  Vista successfully installed, old documents successfully moved over...

taken from MSN article written by Jonathan Small...

Type #1: Tear-each-other’s-clothes-off chemistry
This is the most common type of chemistry, but it’s also the most misunderstood. After all, pretty much everyone’s made the mistake of confusing physical attraction with love. Is there a way to differentiate one feeling from the other? Helen Fisher, Ph.D., an anthropologist at Rutgers University and author of Why We Love, explains it this way: “Lust is basically the craving for sexual gratification,” she says. “It generally dissipates after having sex and returns hours or days later. You can feel it for several different people at the same time, and you don’t necessarily feel ‘possessive’ or jealous. But when you’re in love, you are very possessive.”

No one is saying sexual chemistry is evil or that you should necessarily hold out for something deeper. Nor should you fret if you feel like great sex is all you have in common with someone at first. According to Dr. Fisher, having sex with someone can trigger a peak in the feel-good chemical dopamine, which, over time, can produce genuine, bonafide feelings of love. Hang in there, and it just may happen!

Type #2: We’re-so-comfortable chemistry
Have you ever been with a guy who finishes your sentences, or a woman who’s so easy to talk to, you feel like you can be totally natural around her? Welcome to comfort chemistry—that effortless rapport and connection that can exist between two people. “People who share this chemistry often feel like they’re a unit,” says Harry Reis, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester. “When they talk to each other, they almost feel like they’re talking to themselves.” Worried that all this familiarity makes you better friends than lovers? Never fear, simpatico feelings can often lead to lust later. “When you fall in love, the elevated activity of dopamine can affect levels of testosterone and trigger a heightened sex drive,” explains Fisher. Translation: You two may be passionate partners in no time!

Type #3: We-laugh-like-crazy-together chemistry
Ask someone to give you a wish list of what they look for in a mate, and humor almost always appears near the top of the list. “Everybody likes to laugh,” says Kate Wachs, Ph.D., a psychologist and author of Relationships for Dummies. “We’re all looking for a mate that helps us have fun.” Researchers have even found that laughing together increases how attractive people look to each other. So, don’t automatically relegate jokers to the role of “great to invite to a party.” Where there’s laughter, long-term love can follow: Just think how much easier it’ll be to get through those rocky points that every relationship experiences sooner or later.

Type #4: We’re-so-complementary chemistry
While it’s important for us to find a mate who shares our values, we’re also attracted to those who are different from us. “We like complementary personalities who accentuate our good parts and mask our flaws,” says Dr. Fisher. For example, a sexy fashion model might have real chemistry with a nerdy mathematician—and vice versa. Why? She makes him feel sexy, and he makes her feel smart. Same goes for the anti-social type who marries a people person. We’re drawn to those who make us feel like better and more well-rounded people. Remember the famous line in Jerry Maguire: “You complete me?” That’s complementary chemistry in action.

Type #5: We-have-so-much-in-common chemistry
As anyone who has ever searched profiles on Match.com knows, finding common interests with your potential mate is a huge plus—whether that’s a penchant to cruise flea markets for that one-of-a-kind antique, or a love of camping deep in the wilderness. “We tend to gravitate towards people who share the similar interests as us,” Dr. Fisher says. Not only does doing so make spending time together insanely easy, but sharing an activity you both enjoy allows you to get to know each other in a low-pressure environment. Plus, just think of what a bonding experience it would be if you both scaled those waterfalls at Yosemite together! These touchstones can become the foundation for a lot of fond memories—and a solid relationship.

Now that you know the five types of chemistry, be on the lookout to experience them all. Even if you don’t feel that “lightning has struck!” sensation when meeting someone, you two still might have excellent chemistry, if it’s given time to grow.

Jonathan Small is a Los Angeles-based writer who’s written for Glamour and other publications.

crispy or floppy?

How do you like your coffee?  black or cream/sugar?

How do you like your toast?  lightly toasted or almost burnt?

How do you like your eggs?  overeasy? sunnysideup? scrambled?

How do you like your scrambled eggs?  hard or light scrambled?

Are you a morning or night person?

am i extremely bitter to say that americans are more likely to elect a non-white male president before they would elect a female president...as if they have to really work their way up to that kind of political diversity.