72 posts from 2006

Continuing in the tradition that Bengt and I started last year:  Here are my Top 10 Bands of 2006.  I'd like everyone who reads this to reply and post their own Top 10 list so that we can share great new music.   The list can be bands that you personally discovered this past year and not necessarily new to the scene this year.  The important thing is that you share them.  I wish i had the list from last year...i'll look around and if i have it, i'll post it.
 
Em's Top 10 List for 2006
 
Wolfmother
Regina Specktor
Le Tigre

Shiny Toy Guns
Gnarls Barkley
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
The Decemberists
Racouteurs
Damien Rice
Ok Go
Gomez
 

 (okay, okay...so there are 11..i couldn't break any off)...

Alternates
 
Beck's new album
Jet's new album
Damone's new one

The 2005 List:

iron and wine
bmrc
eliot smith
the faint
portishead
dandy warhols
spoon
radio 4
wilco
she wants revenge
calexico
death cab for cutie

Ugg. Can't I get him out of my subconscience?  I woke up this morning to another vivid dream.  This time, Bengt was in this one......I'll keep the details to myself and hopefully they will just fade away into the black dark recesses of my mind... 

In other news- Zoe is off to a Birthday party this afternoon and we still need to go and get a present. 

Also- Blue is leaving today.  Zoe and I said our Goodbye's to him last night and yet I still find myself being sad about the whole thing.  I'll post a picture of Blue later on today.

I just had this really wierd dream.......I kept slapping Kat after everytime she looked at me or spoke.  Or I would open fisted hard slap her, push her, kick her..everything but hit her with my fist. She wasn't with Bengt but with Chris (Zoe's Dad) and I went over to his house with Zoe to see him before her birthday party.  We visited for a short while and then Kat came out of the bedroom and started acting all smug and natural..not being nice but having this ha ha deal with it attitude.  She was wearing a really nice long coat with a fur collar (nothing like something that she would wear, and I remember thinking she had taken it from my closet...or it was something i left over there) I went up to her and slapped her really hard that her entire head rattled.  Her face was red from the mark my hand left.  I did this several times all the while trying to control myself as to not beat the crap out of her in front of Zoe.  The scene then changed to a mall or park and it was Zoe's Birthday party and there were tons of people there.  The same thing happened there repeatedly except for Chris kept telling me that she would keep acting that way untill I actually boxed her and hit her with my fist versus what i was doing.  He was encouraging me (lightly) to just get it over with and actually hit her versus trying to seemingly be more civilized with my slapping.

I know, I know....it's not that wierd right?  Or is it?  It seems like such a obvious dream at first, right?  It wigged me out.  I don't usually dream about hurting people.  actually, i never dream of causing pain to someone else.  that is not who i am...even in my subconscience...but yet, here it is...in my dreams today...this was a nap dream versus last night....but same time frame for prime time REM dream time...7am to 9am..i had gone back to sleep from my 5am session with the puppy this morning and must have dreamed it then.

The funny thing is- I really enjoyed myself in the dream.  It was nice to be able to say whatever I wanted to her, do whatever I wanted without any consequences or reprecussions.  The other strange thing was that Bengt had nothing to do with the dream..he didn't exist in that world.  the other wierd thing was that i wansn't even pissed at Chris.  I exspect things like that from Chris (although Chris would never go with someone as plain and normal as her)...it was just a strange dream.  I was awaken from it with a phone call and I feel like i didn't get to finish it.  I want to know what I decided to do?  Did i go for it? 

......you know i did.

I've really enjoyed watching Season 1 of Six Feet Under this week.  I had a marathon tv watching session over the past 4 days and have finished the first season.  Yes, this is what happens when you have a puppy and have to stay close to home.  You write a lot, use the computer a lot, talk on the phone a lot, eat a lot (no thanks to watching a Top Chef Marathon on Bravo yesterday!), chat online a lot and last but not least- watch a lot of tv.  I like the uptight gay brother and the control freaky mom and the crazy brother of brenda, billy.  All the characters are wacky and dysfunctional but completely relatable and I love the series.  I am temped to go out tonight and get the 2nd season vs. switching to the first season of Sopranos. 

The dilemmas we face while on vacation can be complex and tough.  Like for instance- Today, I faced the dilemma of having to decide if I would look at a calendar to find out what day it was.  I had lost track after a week of vacation.  Isn't that the most fabulous thing that you've ever heard of?  I think it's fucking great.  I'm such a slave to the clock in my normal life that losing track is absolutely the most blissful state of being that i could be in.  Yes, Yes...vacation can be truly full of tough decisions.  Another perplexor that has happened has been whether or not to get dressed today.  After some careful consideration around 5 ish , I decided against it.  It was one of those...let's take a shower in the evening and put pajamas back on kind of days.  Wonderful.  Pure decadent indulgence.  the only thing that would be better is if i had some really nice Champagne and some brownies. 

Death.

So the show has me thinking about Death.  Am i ready for death?  am i scared of death?  I do not want to die anytime soon that is for sure.  I want to live to be an old woman and i have about a million things I still want to do in life.  I am scared about the people i love no longer being around. It's almost like i am more scared for my loved ones than i am for myself.  I worry about it too much. 

Dealing with B's esophagus pre cancerous condition stuff made me think about life and death.  It also made me think about B in a different way and what i had thought at the time was seizing the day and seizing the moment with my love for another person...it made me think that life was short and that making connections with people is rare and to hold onto those people in our lives that are precious.  I remember praying to God to let him be okay and to not have cancer; crying to my mother about him; asking the world to call in every Karma favor so that he just might live and not die.  I thought that B and I had this unique special kind of connection.  I have known a lot of people in my life, i have had great loves and good friends.  There was something very special about B and I.  I won't go into it here other than to say, I'm sure that many people share a similar feeling with the person that they love...i know this...and yet i truly believe it to valuable and rare.  the part that shakes me is to be so wrong about my own feelings.  I trust myself.  I trust my judgment.  I believe myself to be as wise as one can be for my age and a good assessor of the essence of who someone is or can be.   How could i have been so wrong about someone i was so close to?  Everyone tells me how lucky i am to have found out now or that it's good that this happened now versus later down the road as if this would have enviably happened regardless of any circumstances.   I don't feel lucky or glad or happy about any of it.  I love bengt.  I believed in him and I want to be right about him.  I want to believe he is just going through a hard time in his life and some sort of mid life crisis and that someday soon he will be some semblance of him again and find some peace within himself. 

it's weird how i have this duality about how i feel.  On the one hand, I feel i know him better than anyone else..on the other i feel like this is not the man i thought i knew and that i never knew him.  which one is right?  are the both right?  why does it even matter anymore?  is this part of working through everything?

I was talking to a friend last night and we were talking about how sad it is to have the two people that know you the best, have no respect for you anymore.  how does that make someone feel?  i imagine that he doesn't really think about it...or is working desperately to have someone else feel good about him so he doesn't have to feel bad about what he's done to lives, the children, he's left behind in the wreckage.

It makes me sad that people laugh about him and kat being together...that they now think so poorly of him, that they have lost respect for him.  He deserves this as these are his own choices. I am not responsible for the opinions of others...but there is something sad about people laughing at the man you love. i want to protect him..it is my instinct to do so...although in my craziness that hasn't always been shining through...but alas; either way it is not my job and he doesn't want that anyway. 

I am sad that he is the court jester fool and i am the crazy jilted lover in this story.  This is not how this is supposed to end.  Our story is not supposed to end like this.  I haven't felt like i have been writing this story (our story; my story) for the past 2 months.  Instead, i feel that i am merely given the script moments before it happens and have to act it out; like a soap opera star that is being written out of thier part without thier prior knowledge of it.

ummm. okay.  I stole this from my friend Matt.  I have no idea what cosmic alignment made this happen.  he might as well be slipping tipper gore the tongue.  This truly inspires me to believe that ANYTHING is possible for 2007. 

Tammyandjello

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I left my wallet in a shopping cart today at the grocery store.  I realized i had done this after I got all the way home and brought the groceries inside.  We raced back to the store and someone had turned it in. (Hooray for Nice People!).  So...Karma.  I totally owe the world now. 

I have started by removing my offensive post from xmas eve that had a really bad alanis morisette wanna be jilted lover poem...  I must do various acts of random kindness to balance the world in the other direction as I've been kinda flip and disrespectful toward B...even if he did start with the evilness...i still don't like my own pettiness.  It's not good for me.

I must say that I had a GREAT christmas!  Zoe, Puppy and I all stayed over at my parents house for the last 2 nights and we had so much fun!  Zoe continued with her tradition of writing an entire play on xmas morning that is to be performed by all of the guests and family later in the afternoon.  She started this last year and has continued with it...she wrote it all out by hand and then typed it up on the computer, printed out several copies, highlighted everybodys part and passed out and assigned roles.  From the time Zoe was about 3 or 4 years old, we used to joke that she was going to be a Director someday..never an actress (even though she does has a flare for the DRAMATIC) but she is so naturally gifted and comfortable with having everyone do exactly as she has it planned out in her mind.  She has a vision and wants everyone else to act it out.  This year's play was a success, and we have them both on video tape....it was the story of a little girl and her family- the little girl believes in santa and the other family members don't...the little girl gets a puppy for xmas and the other family members get NOTHING from him..but the little girl gets them each one thing and tells them to believe...there is a flashback at the end to 5 years later...in which the entire family now believes and gets tons of presents..she even had Molly play the puppy 5 years later...(molly is my parents Giant German Shepard).  Zoe is amazing and she constantly impresses me.  I loved cuddling with her in the spareroom on xmas eve as she smiled and told me how excited she was and how she couldn't wait until the morning.

Here are some pictures from yesterday:

We only had about 12 or so people over this year, instead of the usual 18-20.  It was quieter and there was more food...my mother does an amazing job and i am so lucky to be invited over with my entire crew  to spend the night with them.  We did puzzles yesterday and my dad made Super Strong Cosmos for us on xmas that i could hardly finish it! 

Everyone loved the puppy and she got plenty of attention all day.  she is hard not to like even if you don't like small dogs or shih tzu's...she's super sweet and funny. 

I missed bengt so much the last two days...will i ever not miss him anymore?  How did we go from where we were in october to where we are now?  It seems like we are both completely different people?  i miss being happy and in love.

And the Puppy's Name is:..............................

Buffarella Mo McPuff-Puff or "Buffy" for short......

She is currently sleeping after fighting evil all day long. 

I woke up this morning feeling very sleepy after being up with the puppy for a lot of the night.  I also woke up thinking of B.....resisting the desparate urge to text him and call him and wish him a merry christmas.  ugg.  kicking myself for loving him through all of my anger. 

We will announce the puppy's new name today. 

We had a nice morning at my parents house, and the house will be filled with people in a few short hours.  Santa ate his cookies and cocoa and signed his 'autograph' on a note that zoe left for him.  She usually leaves elaborate cocoa re-reheating instructions for santa with signs and arrows and stuff.  This year she left directions to the kitchen from the fireplace.  Santa ended up bringing her the Dance Dance Revolution game and dance pad for the Xbox.  Sweet!  Go Santa!  Despite having only a few presents this year, she was very happy, pleased and thankful...(yeah for zoe and yeah for me for having such a great kid!)

What's your favorite holiday movie?

Top 5 Holiday Movies

• The Ref
• It's a Wonderful Life
• The Santa Clause
• White Christmas
• Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer (Claymation Burl Ives Old Skool Version)

i feel much better having vented.  I only had 5 hours of sleep and then drove Zoe and the Puppy on a 9 hour drive from Las Vegas, Nevada to my home here in sunny california.  You'll have to forgive me if i was a little impatient and forthcoming.  I actually had a really great trip and a wonderful drive.  This morning, I watched the sunrise over the mountains in the desert.  It was so phenomenal, even at 80mph...For those 2-3 hours, Zoe and the puppy slept and I listened to music (OH MY GOD XM TOTALLY GOT ME THROUGH THE ENTIRE TRIP! THANK YOU "Fred", "Ethel" and "Lucy"..I didn't even pull out the 20plus CDs we brought)...but where was I..?...oh yeah..

I drove through the desert as the sun lit up the earth and the mountains will dark at the bases and being lit slowly top down...it was like a melting Sun was falling over them dripping it's light as it rose.   The desolation was comforting.  I could relate to the feeling of emptiness and isolation.  I felt alone in the desert.   I thought about Bengt and I and I thought about me and I thought about what had happened..and I didn't ask "why?" or immediately blame myself or Bengt.  I just thought about the whole thing and tried to see clearly....in the days prior to today, while traveling to Canada and then to LV by plane, I thought about him in the 'i am really missing him way'..but on the drive, i just looked at what had transgressed.  After about 437 different thoughts,  I came to one simple conclusion.  And this is not to make myself feel better, because it doesn't actually make me feel 'better'..

Death Valley Epiphany:  I respect people who tell the truth; both in situational facts and of thier own hearts.  Bengt does not do either of these things.  I do not respect Bengt.

Expansion of the Epiphany:  All of that is over now.  Move on.  As much as it hurts, as much as it sucks, as sad as I am- it is over forever. move on.  (unfortunately, the whole 'moving on' thing is easier said than done...unless you are a man or a slut...as i simply IM'd with him earlier and it completely set me off..as long as i don't talk to him..i am actually finding some peace)  he is not as he appeared. he was deceptive. he betrayed me. and i almost gave up my entire family for him and a life together.  I do not like people who lie.  I respect the truth.

There is of course even more to expand on and if you'd like to know more- email me, ask me to coffee, ask me for a drink, or give me a call to gab.

In other trip news:  Our hotel suite was Sweet!  Jacuzzi tub in a room that was bigger than my first apartment and great company (Z-Dog!).  I bought myself an amazing purse impromtu while browsing Caesar's Forum Shops...but can you blame me?   A brand new hot off the presses L.A.M.B purse.  L.A.M.B. is my favorite new Clothing Line and I was eyeing a watch i saw in Nordstrom's the other day...I bought a sweater of thiers in New York last new years eve (the most expensive sweater i've ever bought! we are talking WAY expensive...beyond cashmere prices..think designer brand prices) and I wear it constantly.  So anyway...this gorgous beautiful bag just called out to me...and this is after visiting, Gucci, Prada, Ferangamo..nothing 'wowd' me..but then- window display! BAM! Love at First Sight!  I went in, held them all, fondled them, played with the clasps and zippers...and asked the price...and without batting an eye said "I'll have it". Can I tell you what that feels like?  To have enough money in the bank to be able to do that?  So that is my Vegas Excess story..i didn't gamble, but i did spend way too much money on a new purse.

I also just received some movies I ordered.  Since I'll be home a lot with the puppy..(although she is turning out to be really portable), I thought I"d catch up on some tv series dvd's that i missed while they were on:  Soprano's, Lost and Six Feet Under. 

Now that i've come clean and confessed everything that i've bought for myself, i will put it in true context by restating how i bought nothing for anyone else for christmas (save for 3 kids).  This is truly grossly selfish of me.  I didn't mean to. It just kind of happened.  Impulses that i couldn't control.   it was vegas, baby. sin city.