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but santa didn't say that....

Aug 17, 2009
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My golden haired 2 year old stops singing her rendition of Rudolf the rednose reindeer to inform my mother that Santa did in fact not say "rudolf with your nose so bright", "but Santa didn't say that" she states matter of factly with her pig tails bopping from side to side. She points to the miniature Santa toy beside her at the exact moment that she uses the word 'santa' and tells us that "Santa says Ho Ho Ho". i can only imagine my mother smiling from behind the camera at her granddaughter as she expertly gets her to continue with her song and forget the lyrical infraction my mother had just guided her into.

my mother and father downloaded some old video cassette recordings to their computer tonight and had me over to view them. They currently possess the only video of my daughter as a small child and until tonight, I had never seen this footage, not since the day when i originally lived it 10 years ago.

I was not prepared for the emotion i was overcome with. I had mistakenly been preparing to sob and weep and mourn for my daughter as a little girl that was now growing up into a young woman. I had been putting off the viewing as i was sure it was incite some cryfest on my part that would inspire some weekend depression and self indulgent carb eating....I was so pleasantly surprised to surmise that I felt elated, overjoyed, beyond happy to see the footage of my little 2 year old daughter singing rudolf the red nosed reindeer and talking to everyone in a voice that i no longer recognized. her voice was shocking to me! whose voice was that? i had forgotten it over the years as it changed and i become acclimated to each of its small variations. she was (and still is) so Amazing! i am in many of the videos as well and seem happy and completely in rapt attention of my one and only angel. my cheeks became sore while watching the videos as i was smiling so big and so constantly throughout every precious and delicious second of those stolen moments in time.

i had forgotten so many things about my own daughter. in the busy rush of my life with work and other meaningless trivial duties- i had forgotten that my daughter survived on the crusts of many baby quiches for a better part of a year when she was 2.5-3yrs old.
I had forgotten that she had beautiful long long hair that took forever to brush each morning and even longer to put up in braids, pony tails and other elaborate and cute hair do's.
I had forgotten that she called 'balloons' , "bamboons" all the time and that each and every time she said it, I would smile on the inside and the outside.
I had forgotten that she was determined and willfull as a young child and would not hesitate to tell you that you were wrong even when she was 2 years old.
I had forgotten how incredibly sweet and loving she was, even back then, giving everyone hugs goodbye and saying thank you after opening presents.
i had forgotten how much she loved loved loved to jump in bounce houses or jump on beds or jump anywhere for that matter as jumping was only second to Spinning- which she in her budding vocabulary would call "Pinning" before she could pronounce "s's" properly.
I forgot how often I used to change my hair color and that it really did look quite awful before i started going to pay somebody at a salon to do it.
And lastly, one that was completely wiped from my memory was her 2nd Halloween costume of Tinky Winky from the Telly Tubbies (she was the purple one) and i was a punk rocker (dug out an old leather jacket and combat boots, dyed my hair blood red and called it a costume)- the images are so polar opposites and so adorable that my heart just melts.

the best part is that i remembered each of these days when i saw them again...they all came rushing back along with the emotions of which were all happy and smiles and joyfulness.

thank you universe and karma gods for giving my family such a gift..i feel such joy and contentment in my heart after seeing those images and am happy they will be preserved for the years to come.

opus 1

Oct 21, 2008
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crushing on something new.

someday- when i have fat baller cash; i will buy a case of Opus 1 and drink it everyday.

I really like those Etrade Baby Commercials

Sep 14, 2008
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they always make me laugh and there is something funny about babies being protrayed as adults. love the etrade baby.

I hate it when people don't post regularly

Aug 25, 2008
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be a blogger or not. if you are going to do something, do it well. try 100% and not .001%.

so i haven't posted in like forever and a day and don't really have a good reason other than starting a new job after 11 or so years. i've been busy, my commute is longer and i'm less angry at the world (not to imply that all bloggers are angry and bitter, only that i was when i started my blog)....

the kidlet is sooooo good.

the dog is good (missing me during the day now that i have to go to an office everyday)

the cat is pissed that the dog is left alone with her all day now that i am gone during the day

i am doing good. i've actually had many many days recently where my family or daughter will ask me how my day was and I don't groan and make faces and want to cry..but instead actually say things like, "pretty good" or "it was good" or my personal favorite "fabulous"...yes, yes, i actually had a fabulous day the other day...

i'm off to bed as it's a quarter to midnight and I value my sleep so much lately.

house minus 1 occupant

Jul 27, 2008
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zoe is away at camp for the week. i took her and a friend to the church this morning where they got onto a bus for the next 6 days. how can i be bummed already? i spent the entire morning putting together the coolest care packages that you could ever want: goggles for swimming, disposable camera, extra beach towel, stamped addressed envelopes, pony tails, lip chap, milano cookies, chocolate chip cookies, and waterproof uno. I also spent a couple hours (longer than i intended) making some really cool cards i created by collaging a bunch of printed photos. i'll post if she brings the cards back from camp.

anyway- i miss her and i hope she is having a super fun time....the paradox begins.

back from my latest jaunt

Jul 26, 2008
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God I really love to travel. i love to explore new cities and find my favorite place to get coffee, to read, to people watch. i love to pretend I am a local and imagine my life in that city, in that country..it's like living a little dream.

i am always extremely happy to come home. I do not like to leave my doggy behind. i love the feeling of getting home after a journey.

but oh the feeling of that first day or that second morning (if there is jet lag involved)...when the new city, the new land is just out there. out there waiting. for me.

"wait for my shoes. i will sing fire."

Jul 15, 2008
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this was a text message that started the day....the day after a crazy wild night of drinking and excessiveness. two nights in a row now of 5 or 6 hours of sleep. i am zombie and brain does not function at the high level i need it to. car broke on sunday night. no car. hard to do stuff when no car. lucky enough to be able to carpool w/ coworkers but it takes additional time for the added coordination and then no time to fix car.

tonight i will sleep. i walked the dog for an hour tonight when i got home as she is suddenly alone all day long and very sad about it.

new jobs are different and this will take an adjustment period.

packing up for the end

Jul 1, 2008

i only have 3 days left at my job. i haven't started to pack my office yet. my goodbye lunch is on wednesday with some close work friends and i'm looking forward to it very much. all of my projects are pretty much handed over. i have a list of stuff to get completed, expense reports, etc and will hopefully accomplish it all tomorrow.

zoe comes home tomorrow. hooray! that will put everything into perspective for me and keep me grounded. i have been missing her the last few days and want to hear about her roadtrip with nanna and the adventures.

cleaning out my office

you find the strangest things when you clean something out.

stuff you didn't know was there.

stuff you weren't prepared to part with.

stuff you wonder why it was kept around.

the clearing and cleaning of something major and timeless stirs up crap with others.

when the stuff is all laying out for all to see it is hard to avoid that it is happening, that it happened.

fuck the past. it has been dragging me down for way to long. i've been running from it trying to get out from under it and it won't let me go...these last and final threads

Em and Tasha circa 1992-93

Jun 30, 2008
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DSCN1999

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This is a picture of me and Tasha, my first family pet and loyal wonderful german shepard. This picture was taken outside of the house my family and I lived in when I was a teenager growing up in the bay area subburbs. This is after I'd graduated from high school and moved away to Washington State 2 weeks later to be with my boyfriend/fiance. My mom likely snapped this picture when I was down visiting from WA. looks like it was likely about a year after I moved, so likely 1993 as I'd put on weight from living on top ramen and mac n cheese constantly. what is up with my clothes too? i look like i borrowed them from my boyfriend.....Washington changes you..and not always in the good way :)

Another bad quality pic of Em from back in the day

Jun 29, 2008
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DSCN1985

me, chris leaning up on car, christine in the car, tom crouching down and becka next to me. 1990? This was in the parking lot to what we called "The Corner", which was one block away from my highschool and where they technically let us smoke.

DSCN1989

can you believe my parents let me leave the house like this?? i was only 16 years old...my parents were very cool and my dad would even help me put my hawk up in the morning before school.